Last week I forgot to blog, because I worked from home unexpected. Sorry, I simply forgot. This week the day changed from Thursday to Monday so this blog is a bit early. And a serious one to boot.
This morning while on my way to work I got thinking about last words. I was napping in the train, it felt like the train went waaaaay to fast and my mind went to what if this train derails horribly and I don’t survive?
I don’t know if I ever posted about it, but when I was younger I got picked on a lot. To the point I started believing I was worthless, even though my family was warm and loving. They had to love me, the rest of the world saw things differently, so their view must be right. Because of this I started thinking about death at a young age. It would be a relief for everyone involved. Don’t tell me there are people who love me, I’m not worthless. I know, but the feelings where much stronger than the knowing back then.
Since I was afraid of pain, taking my own life was complicated. It had to be something that would succeed without question and without pain. That saved my life. That and my best friend finding out. I never told him, but I talk in my sleep, and he used that to talk to me about it. That started a road to ‘recovery’. Me finding a way to cope without ending my own life.
Because of those feelings I’ve had a note in my wallet ever since I was about 16, where I list the songs to play when I’m dead, that I want to be cremated (it’s cheaper than buried, I died, so don’t make to much of a fuss), the background of the card, the text I want on it (one of my poems) and some last words to be read.
This morning, while wondering about a possible train derailment during napping, I thought about that piece of paper. I haven’t updated it in forever, so I really need to. Not because the words and songs aren’t relevant anymore, but because it is based mostly on that feeling of not being happy. Even the poem.. it starts with words that state my life will become brighter one day and the day will come where I’m not just unhappy.
Sure enough, I have many happy memories as well and I love my partner, who makes me very happy. I need to put those things in the letter, next to the fact that I want everyone to party, because I am not afraid of death and sort of welcome it. My life has never been without the negative thoughts, but I fight them every day, by looking at the bright things that happen, no matter how small. That’s why I don’t mind dying some day. Because of all the love I feel from the people around me, I don’t mind living anymore either, and that is a very positive thing.
The least I can do is remind them how important they where to me, and how they made life worth living through the darkness that’s a part of me. Maybe you find this morbid, I can understand that, but to me it is a beautiful thought I had, because now I can update my letter, put a new one in my wallet and in my administration at home. Love is going to be an important part when I die. But I hope that won’t be soon. I just like to be prepared, to lighten the load for my loved ones when the day comes.
Love, dreamer
public dreamer 