Are they finished?

Last week, while waiting for my train I looked around a bit. At the moment I take a different route than I was used to, so my train home arrives at a platform with an higher vantage point. For the first time in my life I was able to see the roof of different public transport vehicles and I was confused.

Whenever I see a scale model they look complete, but now… The first Bus I saw looked like a mechanic has taken off some parts of the roof in order to fix something. After looking at it for a few minutes the bus drove off! Wait what? But I was waiting for a mechanic to climb on top!

Then a few other busses and trains came along and to my surprise they all had a roof that looked like someone was repairing the vehicle. Why?

I couldn’t help myself. I took some pictures to share with my friends, telling them I never knew that public transport looks like someone forgot to put on the roof if you look at it from above. Seriously, you don’t notice that when you’re standing next to them!

That goes to show, never rely on looks. Something that looks polished might very well be a mess on the inside and something that looks worthless might very well have something beautiful inside.

Love dreamer

Short night, long day

Before I accepted work that takes 2,5 hours to get to with public transport (and 2,5 hours to get back home, so a total of 5 hours of travel time), I bought tickets to go see my father in law sing in an anniversary concert of his choir. This concert was yesterday, I fell asleep about 00:30 and my alarm woke me up at 04:30 am. Four hours of sleep.

The concert was, how shall I put it… Something to remember. The choir is quite good, but the average age of the men is far beyond 80, so quite a feature for them. Two long periods of standing in the heat of the stage lighting. I enjoyed their singing very much, but the most memorable part will be the fact that three of the singers fainted from the heat. Not all at once, but all of them in the second half of the concert.

Everyone in the audience kept wondering, will they be okay? As far as we heard afterward they were at least able to walk away afterward, so that’s a plus, but it gives the concert a weird glow. I can’t think of a better word, sorry. But that aside, I enjoyed being there, even though the night was short.

As of today, I am able to work on the train, so no sleep in the first hour of travel, as I was used to. It felt good being able to work. When I am ready writing this piece, I’ll work some more on my way home.

Normally after such a short night you’d think, well I’ll turn in early, but that’s not an option either, because I am going to a dance group my mother in law is with. They have an evening to attract new members and I promised to come take a look, since the drama club I was with stopped. I look forward to tonight, and I am remarkably awake, so it should be fun.

Last week I didn’t take the time to write a post, because of the rehearsal of our final performance. The rehearsal went bad, so the final performance was a success! I will miss it, but hey, that’s life

Well that’s it for now. Not much and nothing spectacular (although three men fainting might count as spectacular) but at least I didn’t leave you hanging this week.

Sheepfullness

Today I had a day out with my team from work. You know, the kind of day to get to know each other better in order to work better as a team. We all know mindfulness is a thing. Put sheep into the mix and voila, scheepfulness.

So you start with a group of people, a Sheppard and some sheep on a large patch of grass. You give the people some very basic information and than you have fun watching them fail miserably at getting the sheep from point a to point b.

After you let them muddle for a while you ask them how they think it went. You then convert that to more information and the whole process starts again.

We managed to get the sheep around, but I don’t think we did it in a way that was relaxing for the sheep. Although we had it at some point, we lost it with a more difficult task, namely getting them to make a U-turn. That was bleeping hard.

I loved being with the sheep, out in the open, but I hated the moment they got stressed, because we were stressed. I had the feeling the sheep would be glad to get rid of us. Stupid human beings.

Thing is, when we got ready to go to grab something to eat, and thus started leaving, they all followed! Why in the world were we stressing them out, if they would have followed us when done right?

Things learned from scheepfulness. I love sheep, I hate stressing them out, sometimes things are easier done when you look at body language. If we take time to tell each other how we feel about some things, they can take that into account. If we learn to read each other’s body language we can take that into account. Life becomes easier that way.

All in all… I had a great day. Next time I get to do a workshop with sheep… please just let me cuddle with them.

Love, dreamer

Am I selfish?

Hi there, vacation is over so I’m back. Sorry if you missed me, even though I can’t imagine you really did.

During my vacation my partner and I spent a couple of nights with family. We’ve done that for a couple of years now, and as far as I’m concerned we will for many more years to come. During those stays we talk about many things. This time one of the things we talked about was the importance of a marriage certificate.

My partner and I talked about marriage and we concluded we don’t want to get married. The amount of money can be spent on better things. My family pointed out it doesn’t have to be too expensive. I exclaimed if we ever do decide on marriage, I’d want a big wedding. I also told them if I ever win big in the lottery I’d ask my partner to marry me.

During this conversation my family pointed out I obviously do want to marry, because I’ve put some thought in it. The other thing they pointed out was they didn’t hear wat my partner would want, only my wants and needs.

I don’t need to get married. If we grow old the way we are now, I’m more than happy. That doesn’t mean I can dream up scenarios that won’t ever come true. I like to dream. During the conversation I got very emotional. I told everyone it was because I don’t really want to get married ever, because my parents aren’t alive to witness it. And that’s true, I didn’t lie. Later on however I found out it wasn’t the only reason I got emotional.

What my family heard was me, me, me. That hurt me, because as far as I know I give other people room for their ideas and feelings. It made me doubt the way I see things. Do I give other people enough room, or do I derail them to have things the way I want them. It has been over a week now. I still don’t know the answer.

I could ask the people around me, but I’m actually afraid of the answer. I know I could try and become a better person if they confirm I’m selfish, but if I am… what else is there I don’t see the way it really is? If I look in the mirror for one thing, and there’s more than just that, do I know who I am? Will I ever. It’s a scary thought.

If I ever have the courage to ask someone you’ll hear about it. For now I think I’ll keep thinking about it, with a wrenched gut. The way only we can torture ourselves.

Love, dreamer

Greetings from Bremen

A day late, because we are to busy sightseeing. We are my partner and I. We had an opportunity to go visit Bremen and we took it. It is a beautiful city, with beautiful surroundings.

Naturally you see the town musicians of Bremen every. From the picture up top to the ones to promote reading:

I love walking around here. We cycle a lot as well. It has been a couple of days since we arrived and we have gone out to on our bikes every day. As long as the weather is good we will keep doing so.

Thing is… There’s no television were we are staying. I love it, my partner uses our tablet to have something to keep them busy in the evening. I offered to teach them how to help me crochet, but they didn’t buy it, so I’ll have to finish my project myself. A well, I’ve got the time

Nothing much to tell though. This blog will be short. Next week we’ll be on our way home. Who knows, I might have some things to write about then.

Love, dreamer

Being prepared

Last week I forgot to blog, because I worked from home unexpected. Sorry, I simply forgot. This week the day changed from Thursday to Monday so this blog is a bit early. And a serious one to boot.

This morning while on my way to work I got thinking about last words. I was napping in the train, it felt like the train went waaaaay to fast and my mind went to what if this train derails horribly and I don’t survive?

I don’t know if I ever posted about it, but when I was younger I got picked on a lot. To the point I started believing I was worthless, even though my family was warm and loving. They had to love me, the rest of the world saw things differently, so their view must be right. Because of this I started thinking about death at a young age. It would be a relief for everyone involved. Don’t tell me there are people who love me, I’m not worthless. I know, but the feelings where much stronger than the knowing back then.

Since I was afraid of pain, taking my own life was complicated. It had to be something that would succeed without question and without pain. That saved my life. That and my best friend finding out. I never told him, but I talk in my sleep, and he used that to talk to me about it. That started a road to ‘recovery’. Me finding a way to cope without ending my own life.

Because of those feelings I’ve had a note in my wallet ever since I was about 16, where I list the songs to play when I’m dead, that I want to be cremated (it’s cheaper than buried, I died, so don’t make to much of a fuss), the background of the card, the text I want on it (one of my poems) and some last words to be read.

This morning, while wondering about a possible train derailment during napping, I thought about that piece of paper. I haven’t updated it in forever, so I really need to. Not because the words and songs aren’t relevant anymore, but because it is based mostly on that feeling of not being happy. Even the poem.. it starts with words that state my life will become brighter one day and the day will come where I’m not just unhappy.

Sure enough, I have many happy memories as well and I love my partner, who makes me very happy. I need to put those things in the letter, next to the fact that I want everyone to party, because I am not afraid of death and sort of welcome it. My life has never been without the negative thoughts, but I fight them every day, by looking at the bright things that happen, no matter how small. That’s why I don’t mind dying some day. Because of all the love I feel from the people around me, I don’t mind living anymore either, and that is a very positive thing.

The least I can do is remind them how important they where to me, and how they made life worth living through the darkness that’s a part of me. Maybe you find this morbid, I can understand that, but to me it is a beautiful thought I had, because now I can update my letter, put a new one in my wallet and in my administration at home. Love is going to be an important part when I die. But I hope that won’t be soon. I just like to be prepared, to lighten the load for my loved ones when the day comes.

Love, dreamer

Uneasy dream

I have been dreaming again. And I was able to recall the dream, always a positive thing when writing a blog. I’ll try to recall it as clear as possible, but forgive me if it’s still vague.

The dream started at the ocean or another huge body of water. From this water you could get into some sort of crater that was also filled with water. I was swimming in the crater with some other people. It was as nice sunny day, we felt wonderful, until…

At some point there was this buzzing noise no-one payed attention to. The buzzing grew louder and louder. The sound became recognisable as airplanes. Once we saw them we got scared, because they had huge white bombs hanging underneath. When they were almost on top of us they let them fall, with the clear intention to hit us.

One of the bombs fell into the crater. It didn’t explode on impact, so I swam towards it, grabbed it and threw it into the large body of water next to the crater. It took me a moment to register the piece that was left behind. Everyone in the crater swam to a cave that was in it to find cover from the explosion we expected. We made it, just in time.

In the cave was some sort of station. Not for trains or busses, but for a space shuttle. We knew we would have to get away from this place. We also knew this was happening all over earth. It wasn’t safe anywhere because of the war that was going on on a global scale. No safe places left, but space. We got on the shuttle and saw our planet become a marble. We had to leave our home in order to survive.

After some time in space, on our way to a safe haven we come across another space ship. Our shuttle comes to a halt. The pilot announces the ship contacted our shuttle and ordered us to stop. The occupants of the space ship came aboard the shuttle and started looking at our travel documents. Everyone was afraid and kept quiet. All of us had the documents in our hands to show them.

The beings that had boarded the shuttle started talking to each other in a language we didn’t understand. After a while they made it clear to us, we were not wanted here. We needed to go back home, or else. They didn’t care it wasn’t safe. They wanted nothing to do with us. I remember feeling scared. More scared than I ever felt before. At this point the dream ended.

It took me a while to take it in. I wrote down what I could remember. Reading the dream again there’s only one thing that comes to mind. Refugees from countries that are at war. I’m not one of them. I live a cozy life, especially in comparison. This dream is the closest I’ve ever come to such a level of discomfort, yet I see the alien reaction on a daily basis. We don’t care about your discomfort, because we don’t want inconvenience in our life.

How would you want to be received if you were the one that has to leave everything behind in order to be safe. In order for your family to be safe. You would want to find people who help you instead of making your life even more miserable. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can only hope, when push comes to shove, I’ll prove myself to be kindhearted.

Love dreamer

A short night and trainversations

Last night was a short one. As usual I went to bed at 9:00 p.m. because of the early bird routine today for work. My clothes already picked out. Bags packed, so the morning routine would be as short as possible. The heat of the day lingered in the bedroom, so falling asleep took a while. My partner decided to go to their parents, so there was nothing to distract me from sleeping, except the temperature. Eventually I fell asleep. Good going, no problem here. But….

Before I go into the but (stop that dirty mind will you!).

A friend of ours turned 50. At that birthday people around here get a Abraham or Sarah doll in front of their house. This is the age where you finally have enough knowledge to count, so everyone should know your a tribal elder from now on. You better be ready to help everyone with sound advice and remedies for all kinds of things and stuff.

The friends of the friend that turned 50 made an app-group to plot this out. My partner send a message stating they arranged the basics to make the doll. Then they started talking to me about clothes, nothing specific, but a general what should it have on. We talked about that, again in general. Let’s get back to the but.

A wake up because I feel my partner next to me. I kis them, wish them a good night and start dozing of again. My partner talks a bit about the evening and watching sports with their parents. I half listen an answer, still in a happy buzz, ready to fall asleep any minute now. Then I hear the words “I saw you already put apart some old clothes!” What, where, what? “What old clothes? The ones downstairs? Those are the clothes I’m wearing to work tomorrow! What do you need old clothes for?” “The Sarah doll! We talked about this!”

At that point I am awake. If you want me to do something, be directed. Tell me you want me to take some of my clothes to dress the doll in. I figured someone else of the group would get clothes. Now I am the dumb one for not understanding! I get out of bed (it is a quarter to one in the middle of the night) to find clothes and shoes, pointing out they are not old, so be careful with them! With so much adrenaline in your system falling asleep again takes time. So, short night/ bad night.

The train this morning was a different train than usual. The armrests where a bit higher and I couldn’t take a seat on my right, so I ended up resting on my left arm, that kept getting numb, so dozing didn’t work either this morning. When I get home I’m going to eat, Duolingo and sleep. (No I won’t tell you about Duolingo, it’s enough for you to know I’m trying to learn a third language (maybe fourth because technically I know three, but one of those just a minimum))

After getting on the second train, there’s this person getting in, sitting next to me, while on the phone. Not quietly, but talking loud. the other person can be heard as well. At first I think I’m listening to a man, but when I look up I see a woman. The call is about work and how there are at least two people needed to assist, because there’s so much to do. I hear her tell she told someone else to go into a meeting saying “this is my resignation”, because things aren’t what they’re supposed to be.

If that’s advice you give someone else, shouldn’t you do it yourself, I wonder. During the conversation this woman talked a lot about telling other people they must…. That sound just awful! They both laugh a lot about things that didn’t go according to plan for someone higher up the food chain, or at least that’s what I understood from the conversation, where a lot of “you know” what’s exchanged. It was pretty irritating to be next to this girl. Please people, don’t do this. Have a quite conversation if you need to, but these conversations should not be held in a train.

Love, dreamer

Combining topics

Today I’ll combine two short stories, so the blog won’t be a short read (or at least shorter than the last ones)

First let’s start with wat happened this morning. I’ve had a couple of short nights because of several things. The temperature and people I care about that are sick are two of those. This morning after arriving at the train station near work, I decided I needed coffee. I prefer iced coffee above the warm version, so for the first time since working here I walked into Starbucks before walking to work.

I was hesitant about what to choose, because I rarely enter Starbucks. A woman behind me asked if I was still looking, and after I told her yes, she ordered. By then I knew what I wanted, so I ordered an iced cappuccino. Gave my name for on the cup, payed and went to the end of the counter. The woman that ordered before me was still waiting and decided to start a conversation. She looked me over and says: “Let me guess, you work in IT”

I wasn’t expecting a conversation, let alone an opening of one with this statement. Before I could think about my answer I blurted out, no, but my partner works in sales of TV’s and stuff, that’s where the keychain you noticed came from. Ah, she said, and what is it what you do? I gave her the name of the company I work for, because people will think about something else than IT when they hear it. Why the company name, because it felt stupid to say, o wait, you’re right, I work in IT. She asked about my cap ‘sonos’. Also my partner. “So they work in sales?” Yes.

She got her coffee, I wished her a good day. She responded by telling me she worked at… A newspaper, wow! And she left… Awkward start of the day, but interesting as well. Apparently I look like I work in IT even though it has not been three months yet.

Second story. Also because of those short nights I mentioned earlier. One morning, shortly before my alarm would tell me to get up, I fell asleep. These are the moments I am bound to dream and remember what was I dreamt. It was weird and short, so perfect to complete this blog. Here it goes:

I woke up when hearing my alarm clock, got out of bed, walked out of the room and saw an open door at my left hand. I close the door when I’m done working. Upon looking into the room there is to much empty space. It takes a second to register, there’s no electronic devices in the office. I tell my partner, who’s still in bed we’ve been burglarized. My partner grunts, nothing else. I get angry about that.

I walk downstairs, to see someone walk away with a TV in his arms. A yell to my partner “they are still in the house, call 911”, nothing happens. The thieves (yes more than one) don’t even react to me. They take their time to gather more stuff and walk out as if nothing is happening. When I get outside I see at least 60 people walking into the houses of my street, only to come out with valuables! I was speechless. And at that point I woke up.

Now the picture above this post. While waiting for my next train this pigeon kept me company. Several people walked by already and it doesn’t budge. That’s one brave and beautiful pigeon, so I figured it deserved to get a spotlight. ‘See’ you next blog.

Love, dreamer

Train ride to work

Let’s start with the results of last blog. The colleague is away for about four weeks. No-one blew a fuse. It was accepted, because… Family is important. So anticlimactic, sorry.

Today I started questioning why I take a train to work instead of driving. The answer is simple. I don’t like driving in cities. The bigger the city, the bigger my dislike in driving there. On top of that, the traffic jams, because so many people are driving to work. No thanx, that’s why I go by train.

This has the unfortunate consequence of dealing with other people that travel by train. At least it give me something to use for my blog. So let me start ‘complaining’ again.

This morning I had about 20 minutes of dozing in the train left, enjoying semi- Oblivion when to people get on board. The know eachother and say hello. Then they decide to catch up, but…

Instead of normal people, who decide to sit together to talk, they sat in opposite benches. No, not benches facing eachother, benches next to eachother. It would not be a problem if you both sit at the isle, because than you can still converse in a normal way. They however decided to take a seat by the window

The result, the had to talk real loud to eachother, both because of the distance and the noise a riding train produces. Worst of all, one of them (the one talking most) had a really shrill voice. So goodbye sleep, hello world. Awake at once, no adjustment period allowed.

Obviously I survived, but I marvel at such people. Is it so difficult to think about others? Especially at that hour, before 7 a.m. Ah well, as I said, at least it gives me something to write about.

Love, dreamer

He did what?

Another Thursday, another blog. Sometimes the content just flows into the blog, other times I struggle to find something to write. Today is a struggle day. But hey, I don’t want to skip a Thursday, because before you know it two years pas before your next blog… It turned out I have something to write about. As to the title, you’ll have to read the end to figure out what it is about.

You may have noticed my blog is late today. Well that’s because I had some training at work today. The training was supposed to last from 1:00 p.m. until 4:00 p.m. Halfway through I figured that would become a problem, because some parts took quite long. One of my colleagues, who has done this job before, needed a lot of explaining. I, who started this kind of work about two months ago just read the information we where given and managed to understand just fine.

At one point during the training I asked if we would get it done within the scheduled time, because I wanted to catch my train, since I had a while to travel. That speed up things. Now we just have to do some of the assignments for the course on our own. We know where to find our trainer if we get stuck, so not a problem. I got to go to the train in the nick of time. Keep in mind I left my house at 5:00 a.m and will return about 8:00 p.m. So yes, I clearly didn’t want the training to go past the scheduled time. Sorry, not sorry.

While I was gathering my things to leave, the same colleague that slowed down the training came to me, asking if I was leaving. I guess he wasn’t listening during the training. My answer was yes. He told me he would have vacation for the next three weeks, so I wished him a good time. Then he wondered out loud how the manager would react. The manager didn’t know, because he had decided to go just then…..

Wow, here I am, to decent, never doing anything without consent, there he is, buying a plain ticket without even asking if it would be okay. My world turned upside down. Then he says he has found something during work that day, something he should have cc’d me in, but didn’t. If I could get the information by asking the person he mailed. I couldn’t help but say: ‘how about you open your laptop when you get home and send me the mail’. O yes, he would do that.

At that point I left. So I don’t know if he managed to inform the right people about his vacation and the reaction that followed. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll find out. And if I remember this next week, I’ll update you on the outcome. For now, all the best.

Love, dreamer

Chipping

If you don’t wear nail polish, please don’t stop reading right away, because it will be part a huge part of the blog, but with reason, promised.

I like taking care of my nails. Shaping them and polishing them. I don’t wear fakes, because my own nails aren’t to strong to start with. After trying several fake options I always come back to the fakes weakening them even further, so I quit using them

Nails that are taking care of are a nice thing to look at, but the thing is…. It takes me a lot of time to keep them nice. Because they’re weak they keep breaking, so I keep shaping them. Then there is the process of polishing them…

In my case it takes about four layers. First the strengthening polish, followed by the coloured layer (most of the times that takes two layers to completely cover without stripes) and closed by the top coat. Each layer needs to dry.

Golden rule, don’t do anything else if you are polishing your nails. I always plan it that way, but right then my bladder needs to be emptied, someone needs something from my bag, someone is at the door. In short something happens where I need to use my hands. Nails ruined, go back to start.

When the nails finally look like I want I can be happy…….for a day, two tops. Then the polish starts to chip. Unless you don’t do anything with your hands, then it lasts a lot longer! But unfortunately I don’t have that luxury. Because the total procedure to get those nails done took a couple of hours I try to save them as long as I can. How? Putting new polish on the chipped spots. I did so yesterday, this morning my nails looked stunning. I put a bag underneath the straps on my bike….. Chips, loads of them

Now the part non nail polish people are waiting for… I think life is a lot like nails that get polished. We try our best to shape it to our liking. The colour shows everyone how beautiful it is, but the polish keeps chipping. In order for the ‘fake’ beauty to last, we need to do a lot of up-keep. Even redo the polish often. Nails can be beautiful by just shaping them, you don’t have to polish them all the time.

This is the same for life. Shape your life as much as you can. Polish it sometimes, because you can, but appreciate the beauty it has without. Even if you have a difficult life, look for the little moments of light. If you can find a way to appreciate your life for wat it is, you can enjoy the polish without having to wear it for others. Let them see the chips if you wear it, so people can see who you are, because you are unique, and beautiful in your own way.

Love dreamer

Listen to your gut!

This morning, when I stepped into the train to go to work, I wondered what it would be I’d write today. Nothing special had happened last week. Okay it had been an oven outside for a couple of days, but hey, at least I could enjoy a bit of summer, even if I felt like almost dying while cycling home on the day with the highest temperature of the week. I figured that would be in this blog, drawn out and all.

Long story short, I was out of breath within ten minutes, kept cycling for forty. Got of the bike to rest up a bit in the shadow. Got on my bike for the last fifteen minutes an felt like I wouldn’t make it. When entering my street I got of the bike again and walked the last bit. I made it home and am alive enough to write this blog, wooohooo. Or maybe you’re disappointed because you still didn’t get rid of me, just stop reading then. You choose to read, you don’t have to.

The events of the day gave me another story to write. My day started as every other Thursday since I changed work. I got up, washed up, put on clothes, packed the stuff I needed to take and got on my bike to the train station. I got into the train feeling uneasy. There were re moments in my life when that feeling ment some unwelcome things would happen that day. I got stern with myself. Nothing is going to happen. I took a seat, put my stuff next to me, set my alarm and dozed off. I became completely aware of my surroundings just before the alarm sounded. So far, so good. I decided not to learn my lines for the drama club I am part of, instead I opened a puzzle page on my phone.

I know boring, hang on for just a bit more please. The train enters the station where I need to change trains, so gather my things and get out of the first train and into the second. About halfway to the station I need to go I start thinking…if this rain keeps up I’ll have to put on my raincape to protect my……

My mind goes blanc, the world slows down…. I realize I don’t have a backpack on with my laptop in it! O shit! I had it this morning when I got in the train, I put it next to me, because a former colleague declared me insane upon learning I normally wear it on my back the whole time, even when sitting in the train, but I never picked it up when I left it…. Noooooo! At that point I thought of getting out of the train at the next station, but I realized my employer needed to know where I was, so I stayed in the train to get to the station I was planning on going to this morning.

In the meantime I had to contact someone from the railway service. I still had my own phone, so I started browsing for a number. The first six numbers I found where not phone numbers, even though they pretended to be. Every time I chose to call the number through the call button on my phone there would appear some numbers split up in threes bike comma’s. So I changed my Google search and the third number after the chance worked. A lovely lady asked how she could help. A panicked me told her: this morning I took the train from … to … at 5:46. I changed trains at … And left my laptop in the first train.

The lady calmed me down as far as she could, took information about the laptop and the bag it was in and in the meantime found out the train had just reached its destination, but nothing was declared found yet. She would take my information and contact someone at the station to take a look for me after getting an approximate location I had taken in said train. Usually I would hear back within two hours and I should keep an eye on my email, because they mostly used that to communicate.

I had arrived at my stop, so I got out of the train and started messaging friends/old colleagues to have them find phone numbers I would need. A voice behind me said to be careful and not break my neck waring the heels I had on, then he saw my face. A colleague of mine wanted to joke a bit, but asked what was wrong instead. I told him about the fiasco. The first thing I thought was, no-one should get to the information on my laptop! Then I thought, I won’t be able to work for at least a week! And not as a happy thought, let me tell you.

While walking to the office and talking to my colleague my phone rang. It was the lady from the train services. Is there also cutlery in your bag? Yes!!!!!!! In the front pocket! “We have found it. You can collect it at ….. Station” I asked my colleague to inform the others on why I was late and needed almost two hours to get to the train station my bag was at and back to the office. Once I had the bag I had my work phone, so I messaged them I could join the meeting that was planned through teams, because I was still on my way. The call came in at the moment I left the train station.

Here I was, in a meeting, while walking in the rain, so I wouldn’t miss to much work. What a world we live in. But everything is back! A moment ago the conductor of the train walked by and checked our tickets. He asked if it was comfortable sitting with a backpack on. I answered: “The one time I took it off this morning, I had to journey to ….. to pick it up. I’ll never take it off on the train ever again!” He understood and went on his way. What a day this was. I’ll be glad when I reach home safely, can’t wait for the day to be over.

Love, dreamer

After-party

A week ago I stressed about the party to come, and here we are, past party! I’ve loved every moment of the party! Let make take you through the day.

The night from Friday to Saturday was short. I think I effectively slept two hours and dozed about two more. In those dozing hours I dreamt about the party, how my hair had to be done and I couldn’t manage on my own. Luckily a new colleague of mine had worked with hair before he worked in software, so he helped. My hair isn’t to long, and in real life I found a video of what I wanted to do with my hair. In my dozing this colleague would do that thing with my hair. All of a sudden he is trimming my hair! I panicked, beginning him to please just do as I asked.

Jolting to full awareness I decided to get up. Work through the last household chores and get my makeup done. That too came from a YouTube tutorial. I hadn’t practiced it, because what if I didn’t get it right a second time around. Just start in time, so you can retry. And so I did. I had decided on a pink eyeshadow. I’ll tell you….it started out so pink I almost didn’t finish it, but when brown and gold came into play it ended up pretty nice!

Next step hair. It turns out I couldn’t handle it myself, so I sent my sister a message asking her to do my hair, followed by the tutorial so she knew what she was in for. She agreed to help. But first I took her for a haircut, because she needed one, but didn’t have the time/money. Our mum used to do our hair, because she was a barber/hairdresser, so my sister had never been into a salon. Now she has! A bit of bonding between us while she got her haircut and we were joking around.

Back home she started on my hair. My partner started edging me on, because dinner had to be ready in time for all of us to get to the location in time, which got me stressed out. As soon as the tortilla cakes where in the oven I put the dinner for my partner in pans and asked them to keep an eye on it themselves, while I put on my party attire. I would where an apron while eating. Dinner was done with time to spare, especially since my brother in law helped by cutting veggies while my sister worked on my hair. We would have made it either was.

Then to the location. The owner and his son would be our waiters for the night. They where so nice and understood their profession. My nephew of 9 proudly declared he could do the worm. He could show it just once (told by his mum), but the owner of the venue helped him to get away with at least three times :D. My nephew greeted everyone that came in, by introducing himself and congratulating them with me and my partner. Simply adorable, he melted every heart present.

I never feel happy/energetic/confident in large groups, but this time the night flew by. I felt all of the above and even like the pictures and videos taken! Never thought I’d love to see the day. My nephew was among the last to leave (with his parents). Right before he left the owner of the venue asked him to do the worm one last time, just because he could, on the patch of floor no-one had been all night. His mum nodded yes, and there he went. A tired little worm, arms and legs flailing a bit more than at the start of the evening.

I still have warm feelings thinking back. A night to remember, and one that has given me positive feelings that are still lasting. So this is what it feels like to live without depression! I’ll try to hold on as long as I can. And after that, it is a memory that will help me get through harder days.

Love, dreamer

Party

This Saturday my partner and I are throwing a party. A real one where the location isn’t our home and invites where sent!

What happened? My partner got to an age you reach when you do … x 10 last year. I will reach such an age this year. To top it of we are together for such an amount of time, albeit half the amount of our ages.

I can hear you think, why so cryptic? Because, if you don’t know me in person I’d like to keep it that way for now and I don’t ever want my employer to link this account to my real life, so I don’t have to overthink what I type down and the influence it might have on a future job/function.

Back to the party. Since we couldn’t celebrate my partner’s birthday properly last year, and people keep nagging when we’ll give a party (preferably a wedding) we decided to celebrate three things at once, somewhere in between all events. And that my dear reader is this Saturday!

I went shopping for an outfit two weeks ago, with my partner’s family, but without my partner. They won’t know what I’m wearing until the party is there. The whole outfit is put together, but man what a cringe was that! I weigh about 221.5 lb / 100.5 kg (I had Google interchange, so don’t blame me if it’s not right. At least I tried to include everyone). Most people react shocked when I mention this, so it’s not that obvious I guess, but it limits your choice in clothing.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the outfit I ended up with, but the shopping finally gave me the mental state I needed to do something about it. Since I won’t lose a huge amount of weight in two weeks I’m not worried, my outfit will still be the right size this Saturday. I’m looking forward to my partner’s reaction.

Today a colleague and I talked about dressing up. How uncommon it is nowadays to just dress up for yourself. Since I changed my place of work I pride myself on doing just that. These are the clothes that make me feel secure in every aspect, so I decided to where them. Wherever, whenever I want. At the party it will still be special, because of hair and makeup (and the price of the dress, but hey, it’s our own party!).

Back to that party. We attended parties of other people. Allways fun to do, but this is the first party of our own. I know that technically I’ve been an adult for a long time, even though it doesn’t feel like it, but now I feel even more grown up. Our own party!!

Fun things: we decide who comes, so we know and like everyone that will be there. Dressing up. Having a good time with people we love while enjoying drinks and snacks.

Not so much fun: the costs (but hey, that is why I feel even more grown up now). Being the centre of attention ( I just don’t know how to handle myself, but I will enjoy it none the less).

So all in all, I’m excited. Sorry the post goes everywhere, that’s the excitement (and let’s be honest, that’s just who I am, everything jumbles through my mind, so that’s why it’s jumbled here). I hope to report a successful party next week.

Love dreamer

Arguing with my mind

I started my day sort of sleeping in the train this morning, just as I did the past few weeks. I set my alarm at 7:00 a.m. so I wake up in time and I give in to being tired. A good start of the day, right!

This morning at about half past six, someone in the seat behind me sneezed. I startled to full consciousness. A sneeze! I don’t know about you, but I notice my mind shifting into gears it never used before the big C. Am I afraid? Not as much as I used to be in the beginning, but I’m not relaxed with it either, especially if I don’t know the people around me.

You never know their mindset. For all I know they never test and treat everything as the common flu. So this person behind me starts the huffing that comes before the sneeze. You know… The huffing you do when you feel it coming, but it’s not quite the yet . After a huf or five the sneeze came. She started huffing again. At that point my mind reached for the panic button.

No!!!! Don’t you dare hit that button! She could just have hay fever or something. Right, my mind pulled back, no panic button was hit…. yet. About three sneezes later my mind figured: “she isn’t sneezing in her elbow. It doesn’t sound muffled. That sneeze is free to go wherever it wants! Move, we need to get out of her spray reach!”

Okay, mind you’re right, if she is sneezing out in the open there might be a risk. Might, but not for sure! It could still be a hay fever. And she could have tested herself before. She if almost certainly a person that would stay at home otherwise, because if she’s not, it’s already to late.

On that note…. My mind is wondering if I’ll be getting sick someday soon. Is there more testing in my near future? Time will tell, but it would be nice if I could shut out the whispers and the angry glares of my mind: You should have let me hit that button.

That’s pure the beginning of my day and my mind confronting me all day long. At the end of my working day another irritation arose. I got out of the office, started my walk to the train station and right before me it happened. A woman walking a few feet in front of me starts to drift to the outside of the sidewalk and casually drops her banana peel in the dirt beside it. Not looking around or anything, just let’s it go! That thing is not going to degrade anytime soon missy!

The worst part about this, about 15 paces in front of her was a bin! I picked up the peel upon passing it and put it where it belonged. Not believing what I just witnessed. I grew up learning to keep your waste at hand until you found a bin, even if that meant taking it home to throw it away.

Just a few steps past the bin the woman starts to drift again, this time to the edge of the grass…. The item she dropped casually this time was a paper handkerchief. I said the word “really!” Out loud. She didn’t hear me or ignored me just as casually as she dropped her waste. Unbelievable! I didn’t pick it up and I feel guilty about it. Another thing for my brain to go on about.

Ever seen the memes with the person that wants to sleep and the brain gets active? Wheel this night that will be me and my brain going on about germs I could have picked up in the morning and the germs I left lying in the grass, along with the trash they where on. O well….

Love, dreamer

Hamburgers

My new job is amazing! First of all the team I work with… The people in it are soooooo nice. I felt right at home from the very first minute I joined them.

Today we took part in a team building activity. First thing you should know, we work agile/scrum. For the activity we went to a food truck. The assignment, make everyone here a hamburger using scrum.

So we started with requirements. It had to have sauce, it had to have cheese when wanted and it had to be warm. For that moment on we were in charge of the product. We decided on the basic product first, to test. A bun, a burger consisting of minced meat, pepper, salt, union finely chopped, egg and breadcrumbs, sauce. That was the most basic variable we wanted to test.

Next step, what needs to be done, who’ll do it. There were five of us. One chopped the union, one made a patty, one grilled the bread, one made the sauce, one grilled the burger. We even refined every ingredient in the burger to quantities. And there we went. This included a board with sticky notes that could be placed in three columns: planned, in progress, done.

Then came the fun part. Testing the minimal product. We all agreed it was a good basis to build upon. Then we needed to refine some more for the final product. We decided on making a burger everyone of us would like. In the decision we added lettuce, a tomato slice, two pickle slices, baked union rings and of course the required slice of cheese. We devided all things that had to be done. Since the plate we grilled the burgers on wasn’t to big we decided on grilling the union rings first, then the bread and the burgers last. We also needed a gluten free bun and a veggie burger, because one of us had a problem with gluten (when asked if the breadcrumbs in the patty should go as well the answer was they could stay) and one of us didn’t eat meat, but didn’t mind if the burger came from the same grill, because it was from a ecological standpoint.

The burgers got made, named and eaten. And they tasted sooooo good! Even our ‘trainers’ said it was one of the best they ever had. Go team! For the record, we named our burgers: unlimited burgers. It was a fun learning experience, where we got to know each other a bit outside of work, and we could eat the result. I couldn’t be happier, so I guess that is a good point to stop writing.

Love, dreamer

Shopping Spree sequel

Today I went on another shopping Spree. Why? I needed shirts.

So this past week I have enjoyed wearing my new pants, but the shirts I wore with Them….

I have trouble eating without getting food on my clothes and with some foods you het grease stains that won’t come out. Well two of the shirts I put on had such stains.

Then there is the fact that I own a lot of shirts, but I only wear a select view and most shirts are short sleeved. So the shirts without stains that are wearable in winter are….. How do I put this nicely….. Grubby. So it was time to get new shirts to go with the pants.

Best step…. Finaly het my cupboard sorted and get rid of the things I never wear. Trust me, more than half of what I own would het thrown out. Or at least should get thrown out.

Will it happen? Will I take my time to sort through all my old clothes? Stay tuned and maybe you will find out 😉

Love dreamer

Am I actually doing this?

No really, am I?

I changed choirs, so no I sing rock music instead of musical and I got an e-mail that I can go do the course I told you about . I even actually applied for a job I could do with that course! (hope I did not jinx it)

Am I going crazy? Cold sweat is gathering people, loads of it.

Here I am, past my thirties, a great partner, a house to pay for, a job (even though it is a temp job, I am on contract by the agency, so reasonably safe) and bills to pay.
All of a sudden I decide to step off the path. AM I CRAZY!!!!!!!!

I admire people who take risks, but let’s be honest: I am not one to do so.
At least I never was. Safety has always been the choice for me. This is all so exciting but sooooooooo frightening at the same time.

Since I decided to step of the path I have been doubting. I mean, the path I was walking on was safe. Someone found a path through life, smoothed it, even made sure there is asphalt on it for my convenience and made sure I would not encounter danger I could not handle and wat do I do?
I wander of the path. I decide to get into the woods (hopefully not like the musical, because I don’t want people to die because of the wandering I do).

This is not the safest route to take. What if I find lions and tigers and bears (yep another musical)?
Will I be able to fight them off? I am pretty sure I will lose if I pick a fight with them though.

Really girl, get a grip!!!! So what if I encounter anything new. The first thing to try is making friends with it if it is alive. I can decide what to do other than that when it does not want to be friends. The path I was on may have brought me to my death safely, but with my partner at my side every path is a path I can take! Who knows, maybe I will find my El Dorado 😀

And yes, I realise that it sound like I think I could never be happy or go anywhere without my partner. I know I can get there on my own, I would have the strength to survive and find my way, but let’s be honest. It is more fun if you have someone by your side even though they are capable of driving you crazy. Maybe it is because of the capability to drive you crazy, I don’t know. The only thing I know is that at this moment I want to spend the rest of my life with them, and as far as I know that is mutual.

As far as the crazy parts in this blog, the getting of the path and crazy driving partner….
Life would be dull without crazy, so I think I am on the right path. A scary one……. But the right one. Let’s start the adventure!

Love dreamer